having the guts
by kristy87
Summary: post fic to last night's ep. GSR


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI : (

AN: this is about last night's ep, so if you didn't see it yet and don't want to be spoiled for it, don't read any further.

Summary: Grissom asks Sara what she meant with her comment about 'some people who should not be together.'

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having the guts

Grissom leaned back against the wall and watched her working in silence for a while. He didn't know whether to ask her or not, but in the end he knew he would have to ask her anyways, for his own sake.

So why should he wait? The sooner he would ask the sooner he would know the answer and could start dealing with it.

"When you spoke about people who should not be together, did you talk about us?"

Sara winced, she hadn't noticed that he was there. Now she looked up. He had ripped her out of her thoughts and for a second she didn't know what he had been talking about at all. But then she realized it. "I should be able to separate between private and professional life, shouldn't I?" She asked raising an eyebrow.

Grissom swallowed hard. Her voice sounded so cold… it hurt him deep inside in places of which he hadn't known that they exist.

"But…" She turned around and leaned against the table. "…even if I would have been talking about private things, or thinking of private things, when I said what I said…" Now she moved away from the table and walked over to the other side of the room, removed the glove from her right hand and threw it into a trash can. "…why would _you_ bother?"

"I do bother when you're talking about me." He said softly.

Sara took off the other glove and it followed the first one. "Want to hear the truth?"

"That's why I came to talk with you." He hesitated whether he should walk over to her or stay where he was.

Sara sighed. She stared at the wall for a moment, then turned to him. "You… you are…" She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "You know what I feel for you, but still you… ignore it. You want a friendship, or not even that and…and nothing more. I have to…learn to deal with that." She just couldn't look at him. Her hands were shaking and she wished that she could run away and hide.

"Sara I never said that I would wantnothing more." He told her softly.

She shook her head. "You didn't need to say it. Do you think that I am blind? Or stupid? I do notice it when someone doesn't want me. Probably you don't believe that because I was running after you like a dog for five years… it wasn't that I didn't notice, it was that I didn't want to…admit it to myself. You don't feel the same so…" She slowly headed for the door. "…just leave it alone." With that said she left the room.

Grissom hated himself. Years ago she had told him something that he had pushed out of his head right after she had spoken it out, but now the words came back to him and they hit him like a bolt. _By the time you figure it out you might be too late._

The bad thing was that he had figured out what to do long time ago, he had just lacked the guts to act on it. He had feared to loose everything in the end, he hadn't been able to risk loosing her as a friend and loosing his job at the same time. His job had always been his life, he could have changed it and could have made her the sense of his life, but what if she would have realized one day that she was too good for him, that he was not what she deserved? Then she would have left him, he would have lost her as his sense of his life and he wouldn't have had his job anymore, because being with Sara meant giving up his job as supervisor.

Grissom left the room, trying to tell himself that he had to let Sara go. She deserved to have a life and he couldn't give her what she needed. But his heart told him something else.

He walked through the hallway, looking into every room trying to spot Sara somewhere. But he didn't. Then he entered the break-room where Greg and Warrick where sitting and talking about football. "Does one of you know where Sara is?" Grissom asked hastily.

Warrick turned to him. "You just missed her, she came in here, grabbed her jacket and I think she was heading for the lockers room when she left."

"Thanks." He wanted to leave again.

"Did you two argue about something? She seemed pretty pissed off." Warrick asked, stopping Grissom from leaving.

Grissom turned around. "We…discussed about something."

Warrick raised an eyebrow.

"Never mind." Grissom left the room, almost running to the lockers room.

He entered without knocking.

Sara flinched.

Grissom was out of breath. He walked over to her and leaned against the locker next to her. "Sara…we need to talk."

"I don't think so." She closed the door of her locker and wanted to pass him by. But he grabbed her arm and made her stop. She opened her mouth to say something but the words just didn't come out.

"I'm an idiot." He confessed softly.

"You're not." She said softly. "With saying what I said I wanted to prove myself that I finally accepted the fact that nothing would ever happen between us. But the fact is that… I'm not over it. I'm sorry."

While still holding her upper arm Grissom slowly began to caress her with his thumb. "There is nothing you have to be sorry about."

Sara shrugged.

Grissom wanted to pull her into his arms, he wanted to hold her close to him and wanted to show and tell her that he wanted to be with her. But he wasn't sure if this would be right, not in this moment. She needed time to clear her head and so did he.

She looked at him and he felt it, he looked up and their eyes met for a moment. "I… better go now." She softly said after a while.

"Would I be too late?" He asked cursing himself for asking at the same moment.

She shot an asking look at him.

"Some time ago you said that, by the time I would figure out what to do about us, I might be too late… so, when I would figure it out now or… in a month… would I be too late?"

She smirked. He softly let go of her arm and she moved away from him. She headed for the door and opened it. He didn't even expect an answer anymore when she finally spoke.

"No." That was all she said, but it was enough.

She left and closed the door, leaving Grissom alone. The weight from his back dropped down and he smiled softly. One day he would have the guts to risk everything he ever had to be with her.

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THE END

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